I had some interesting topics in mind I was going to write about, but can't muster the energy or enthusiasm for them today. Which is often the story of my life. So I'll save the interesting stuff for later, and just write about how zapped I am today. At least I'll have a blog entry to show for it.
I have good days. I was at a historical theme park most of the day Saturday with family and friends (I have a real life mom friend now, wow) celebrating Canada's 150th anniversary. I did really well. And then yesterday and today I could do almost nothing. Putting a load of laundry in or picking up AJ's toys was a major effort. For every chore I contemplated doing, I contemplated just giving up and going to bed. Going to bed won at least half the time.
I am sure part of this is physical but part of it is psychological too. It's hard to get excited about life when I am focused on merely existing (eat, sleep, not get sick). And then there's also the underlying pregnancy anxiety. It's not overwhelming at the moment, but it's there. I'm not always scared but constantly managing it (and the tiredness and nausea) leaves me.....flat. I'm not really into anything.
We also found out today that my sister in law (Mr. Turtle's brother's wife) is pregnant. She is due exactly a week after I am supposed to be. Hahahahahaha. I mean, this is good news. My BIL and SIL are lovely. Everybody wants them to have kids. I want them to have kids. They were married 4 years ago (3 years after us). I worried at first they would have kids before us, which I did resent, but they waited (voluntarily, as far as I can tell, and I have a good nose for these things). Even with all the fertility issues, we still had the first grandchild. And hey I'm pregnant again, against the odds, and currently no reason to believe it won't end well. I have to admit the situation is kind of cute. It's something for Mr. Turtle and his brother to bond over, and I'm sure they will. Still. Part of me wants a belly buddy and part of me shrinks from the idea. I felt the same way when I was pregnant the first time and so coincidentally were many other bloggers I followed. You hope everything goes well for everyone but there's also that feeling of dread for what it will be like if one of the pregnancies ends sadly while the rest go smoothly.
Anyway. SIL is across the continent so it's not like this will in my face all the time, though it will be an important part of our lives. It's just rather ironic and it makes me both more aware of the shadows while pushing them away with whatever energy I have.
The other thing I have to figure out is the best way to tell new mom friend I'm pregnant. She is older, needed fertility treatments to conceive her son, and had a loss last year at 19 weeks. I have to disclose at some point but I really want to do it in a way that is sensitive. We either text each other or see each other in person. I'm leaning towards texting but I'm traditional and cringe at disclosing something like that via text. I dunno. Maybe I'll try to think of an excuse to get her email. Email seems more dignified somehow.
Maybe I'll figure it all out this week. Or maybe I'll just sleep a lot.