Tuesday 19 January 2016

I forgot about my blogoversary

torthúil was three years old on January 15th, 2016.

Three years since an infertility diagnosis changed our lives and expectations.

The number doesn't mean a whole lot, somehow. Although time never stops, it seems to move at a different pace depending on what is happening and how I perceive it. For the first year (2013), time seemed to move awfully slowly, and nothing felt like it would ever change. That was sad when we considered the negative aspect of our lives not changing, i.e. childlessness, but there were also a lot of good aspects that we felt would never change: all our family and friends around us; money, time and leisure to pursue interests and travel and indulge in whatever we wanted. (I shouldn't imply I no longer am able to do these things: it's just that it's more complicated, requires more trade-offs and sacrifices and thought than previously, and I'm more aware of what a privilege it is.)

2014 felt like a year when things would inevitably change: for better (the way we wanted), or for worse (the way we didn't want). With AJ's conception and the resulting pregnancy/birth, that question was definitively answered. Change was coming; time was not standing still. We were blessed that change came in the form of pure joy.

2015....what to say. I recall the first 8 months as a time of  innocence and discovery and a happiness that made me feel weightless. Oh sure, I had my anxieties and doubts occasionally. But most of the time they were quiet, and I lived in a beautiful moment. I really couldn't ask for a better experience of new parenting. But in those quiet months of love and gratitude, the seeds of upheaval were planted: first my mom's cancer diagnosis, then my dad's, which ended his life at the beginning of 2016.

Not to mention going back to work and trying to figure out who I am in this new life, which still isn't totally clear to me.

Last year I went over all the reasons why torthúil still matters to me, and why I'll keep writing as long as I feel relevant. They are all still true. Except each reason weighs a little heavier on me this month. Not that I have entirely forgotten or lost that feeling of weightlessness. I feel it most first thing in the morning, when I pick up AJ and marvel at her size and heft, how different it feels from the tiny newborn. I feel both soaring and grounded.

But well, you know. There's more posts about (in-) (sub-) fertility coming soon. I still have things to work through there. So if you missed the original programming, it's coming back. 

May time always be a gift to you.

12 comments:

  1. Happy Blogoversary! I look forward to all your posts, regardless of subject, so glad you will be continuing on!

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    1. Thank you! It is a sort of accomplishment.

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  3. "I feel both soaring and grounded." A gorgeous way of describing that recognition of the passing of time. Congratulations on the blogoversary.

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    1. Thanks. I'm really glad I have the blog and the little community around it.

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  4. Happy anniversary! So freaking glad to have connected with you. I didn't realize we both started blogging at ththe same time. I only found you at your lightening strikes post :-).

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    1. Thanks! I Really appreciate our connection too. I'm glad about the timing as we could follow each other's adventures.

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  5. Happy blogoversary! So many changes, joys, sorrows, and things in between. I love how you described the "soaring but grounded" feeling when feeling how different AJ feels in your arms now than when she was a tiny newborn. Congrats on three years of sharing your story!

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    1. Thank you! It's nice to have a life artifact.

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  6. I get so much of this. I'm glad you are living in the moment and soaking it all up. It's just insane to look at photos from even just 6 months ago and think, "how was she that small?" I'm very interested in your upcoming post about (in-)(sub-)fertility....hmmm.

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    1. Yes, if there's any lesson from the past year, it is to live in the moment and soak up/give ou all the love I can. Thank you for reading! I see you have updated too. Heh, at least one of us is looking forward to the fertility discussion. Actually,I've been ruminating on it a while and it will be good to get it out there. But I need to find time to discuss with Me Turtle first cause I don't want him to read about it on the blog before we talk lol.

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