Thursday 2 January 2014

It's January 2014 and I'm.....

.....happy?

I almost can't believe it. But yes. Happy.

January is usually my least favourite month of the year. The fuss and fluff of Christmas is over, but the normal routines of life take two or three weeks to become established again. In the meantime I'm at loose ends.  It's cold and dark a lot of the time. Also, school is extra stressful because the semester is ending, and there is a period of nearly 3 weeks when the students' schedules are completely different, and I have to do extra planning to make the days go by, as well as deal with semester-end details. But this year I'm not worried. I've decided that since we are doing IVF, I don't have the emotional energy to get into a dither of anxiety over school stuff, so I'm not going to.  I'm going to trust my team, and myself and my  plans, and everything is going to be fine.

I was in Michigan with Mr. Turtle for 5 days, which were great for obvious reasons, and difficult for less obvious ones. It was great to spend time with the in-laws, exchange gifts, walk in the snow, play games, and eat MIL's amazing cooking. But at night I kept having the kind of frustrating dreams where I do a task over and over again, because I can never seem  to get it right, or I forget how to finish it at the crucial time. Or I was trying to go on a trip somewhere, but I kept forgetting something. In one dream I couldn't get on  the train because I forgot my shoes. I woke up resolved that if I ever get into such  a situation in real life, I will get on the damn train in my socks!

My BIL and SIL arrived at the house on my birthday, which is December 26th (yah, happy 34th birthday to me). BIL and SIL were married last spring and are adorable. But for quite a few months, I worried that they were going to announce that she was pregnant on my birthday. It's perfectly OK for them to have a baby, of course, but I  really really didn't want to hear about it on my B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y. SIL fortunately laid my fears to rest by cracking open a beer almost as soon as she walked in the door.

During the quieter times of the day and night I found myself feeling heavy. Not only because of the yummy food.  I felt like I had a hollow empty space right at my center, and every day a drop of something liquid and weighty would fall into it, like a big dollop of cement.  I could dance the heavy thing outside; I could take it to the park; I could laugh and shake it about; but it was mine to carry and it never went away. The other feeling was that the future was a huge empty pit that I was about to fall  into, and it went down and down and  down and the bottom was nowhere in sight.  But then one afternoon, the heavy thing went away. I felt surprised and filled with a kind of grace.

Leaving for Canada was stressful though. Can I say I hate when airlines oversell their seats, especially  around the holidays? Why on earth do they do that when there are so many people travelling? Because my flight was changed only a couple of weeks ago to accommodate my ultrasound appointment, I had  no assigned seat. Leaving Detroit, it seemed like every flight in the terminal was oversold, including mine. So I spent several hours wondering if I would be able to get onto my plane. I decided that if they tried to bump me off the flight, I was going to throw a royal tantrum. I would be loud and crazy and everybody in the terminal would get a full education on IVF. It would have made a hilarious blog entry. But I'm not a natural tantrum-thrower, so it would also stress me out enough to make me physically ill. Luckily all my flights went well, but I was very glad to be safely on the ground in my own city.

Things went great from  that point. Since Mr. Turtle was staying in the States for a few more days, I decided to stay with my parents instead of being on my own. It was an excellent choice. My mom and dad  accompanied me to my appointment at The Fertility Clinic. They haven't really been involved so far, so it gave them a chance to show support for me which made all of us happy. The ultrasound/trial transfer was quick and easy. Maybe I'm just desperate for any kind of hope, but I felt encouraged that the doctor saw follicles on both ovaries. On my last ultrasound the tech only found  follicles on one ovary, which  made me wonder if I only have a single functioning one. But it would appear they both work, kind of.

So, IVF #1 is full speed ahead. I picked up the prescriptions the same day.

I start Suprefact on Saturday January 4th, 80 micrograms subcutaneous injection, twice a day, 12 hours apart.  Continue with that until I'm told to stop.

On Monday January 6th, I start 450 IU of Gonal F, and 150 of Menopur, once a day in the afternoon, also both injections.

I continue taking the DHEA/CoQ10 until it is finished, as well as low dose aspirin and folic acid, of course. Mr. Turtle and I also start on an oral antibiotic on  January 6th.

My next ultrasound and blood test is on Sunday January 12th.

Although I had some anxiety about IVF, now that it's happening I feel relaxed and confident it is the right thing to do. Now that my 3 kinds of lovely needles are in the house with me, I am not afraid of them. It is interesting because the rational  reasons for doing IVF are the same today as they were a  month ago, and so are the statistical chances of success. But my feelings are different. It just feels like we are on the right path, and even though I don't know what the future will bring, and I don't want to speculate about it, I am strangely free of fear.

Of course I may go batshit crazy in the next few days, especially when my body starts vibrating with drugs. But in the meantime I'm going to focus on  being an Subcutaneous Injection Expert. Mr. Turtle is simply delighted to support me as he has knowledge in this area: he takes Humira every week for his Crohn's.

And tomorrow?

It's my last drug-free day! Mr. Turtle and I are going to have a wonderful day together to celebrate.

Happy new year one and all.

20 comments:

  1. Wishing you the very Happiest of Birthdays!! Praying for your IVF~ we should be cycling right around the same time!

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    1. Thank you Kasey! that means so much to me. I read your IVF schedule and it sounds like you are about 5 days "behind" me, although your protocol is different so things may change over the month. I'm sending you the best of wishes too! It's kind of exciting to know another "first timer" going through this!

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  2. Wishing you the best of luck! I think it's great that you are getting excited about IVF - yes it's ok to be nervous too, but being excited about it helps with the fear!

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    1. Thanks Kimberly. Based on my experience so far, I think I will experience the whole gamut of emotions with nervous and excited being just two of many. I don't see any way around that, but I am trying very hard to just go one day at a time and focus on the task for each day.

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  3. Happy belated birthday!! hope this is the cycle for you!

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    1. Thank you Caroline! I am doing my best to stay positive - not just with regards to hopes for the future but also with my attitude every day. I appreciate your reading and commenting.

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  4. I am glad that the heavy feeling was suddenly gone and was replaced with a sense of grace. So very happy that you've got follicles on both side! I often hold my breath when my RE looks on the right and then the left with a concerned look on her face. I understand full well how that feels. Enjoy your drug free day tomorrow and hoping for great success for this cycle!

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    1. Yes, one of the more reassuring emotions I have experienced lately (and I am going through the full spectrum) is a feeling that I am not alone in this. Some of that is no doubt due to the support I am getting from Mr. Turtle and other family, but it is a sense that goes beyond human companionship. I do not entirely know how to describe it, but I do (at least at times) have a great sense of confidence and peace. Isn't it kind of hilarious that we are so excited about follicles on both ovaries! All these things that mean so much to us, that most people never spare a thought for.

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    2. It definitely puts things in perspective. Some people grieve over having fewer than a certain number of follicles on their ovaries and we are anxious/excited about whether or not we have follicles on both ovaries. Whatever circumstances we're in, we always want more. :) I hope and pray that your follicles will grow evenly and give you good result. And I love it that you have that sense of peace.

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    3. Thank you again Isabelle! you are so right about always wanting more. I try to practice gratitude as well, to keep that much-need perspective and sanity.

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  5. Happy belated birthday! I'm so glad you've found some peace entering into this cycle, and I wish you absolutely all the luck in the world with it. I'll be eagerly reading along!

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    1. Thank you Aramis! Yes, I feel like we are off to a good start. I really appreciate your reading along!

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  6. Happy belated birthday! It is so nice to have your parents accompany you to the appointments. I hope you're coping well (having fun) with the injections. The drugs aren't that scary, really. They didn't affect me much, although everyone is different... I think you'll be just fine.

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    1. Yeah, so far the injections are not so bad. As of today I have started all of them, so I just have to continue on course. Good to hear that the side effects were not really bad! I have been having headaches off and on but that could as easily be our crazy weather.

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  7. First, happy belated birthday! So you are a fellow after-Chrsitmas baby, huh? My birthday is on Dec 30th. Can't say it's an ideal time for a birthday, but we make the best of it! I'm glad you enjoyed the holiday with family and were able to find relief from that feeling of heaviness. I'm so excited for your IVF cycle! Hoping for great things for you in 2014.

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    1. Thanks Annie. My birthday time has never bothered me, and I have always had a holiday for my birthday, which is pretty nice LOL! Happy birthday to you too. So far IVF is not too traumatic. I keep expecting the horror to start anytime soon, but other than that we're just trying to live day to day and I think we are doing OK.

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  8. Good connecting with you via blogging. I hope this cycle goes well and ends in a successful pregnancy.

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    1. Thank you Lauren! I'm taking it one shot at a time. ;-) I hope this year is good for you too. I added your blog to the Archipelago and will be reading along. xo

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  9. I'm glad that you found peace for this cycle. Sometimes it's nice to be doing something, rather than waiting for something to happen. You can stop worrying about the end result and just focus on doing the best you can do. I also look for the telltale glass of wine/beer when I'm around people who might become pregnant. And it's always a relief when they pick one up! Good luck this cycle!

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    1. Ha, you really nailed it there. Yes, it's nice to be doing something, whatever the end result may be. (At least, I can manage that kind of fatalism for the moment.) Glad I'm not the only one looking for the glass of beer or wine. hehe.

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